I’ve been fighting a losing battle alone my entire life, but I never fucking gave up.

My life’s a total mess. I’m doing everything I can to fix it, but I know this isn’t enough. So now I must make a sacrifice, and it’s gonna hurt me more than it will hurt you. But if this means finally fixing my fucked up life, full of shit and pain, this sacrifice is a small price to pay for something so great. Happiness.

And I know this sounds stupid but, I figured the only way to finally get back what I’ve lost, is to sacrifice something great, and suffer a little more than usual. And….

I must do this alone, just like how I’ve done everything else. Alone.

So yes…

That does mean I’m going back to being a hermit. But this time with a proper reason to do so.

Although.. I won’t be invisible like last time

Everyone All unnecessary things around me will turn invisible.

That way I don’t see anyone but myself, and I can concentrate on myself. It’s a selfish thig to do. But can you blame me? A person who fucked up his own life and is now doing everything he can to fix it, to make things better for himself, even if it means suffering more than he usually does?

No

I didn’t think so

My first step into fixing my shitty life, get out of that rat-hole school with a diploma. So I’m gonna study study study, and nothing else. AND I MEAN NOTHING ELSE. If you see me like a robot with no emotions, being a hermit blah blah… you’ll know why. But as I said, don’t blame me, for fixing my life.

PS. I’ve given thought on all of this. So don’t go about lecturing me about what I should and shouldn’t do. You have no fucking clue what shit I’ve been through. So fuck-off and respect my decision. And besides, you aren’t alone, you’re surrounded with people and friends, you’ll do fine without me.

Fucked up logic

So today was the releasing of the ACET results. I didn’t make it :| But I made it into DLSU. Now here’s the thing

For a long long time, I’ve been rotting myself away.. Then I realized AGAIN that this is not good for me. I wanted to live life to it’s fullest, achieve great things and beat the one person who’s been pulling me down ever since, MYSELF. And I thought ‘what could be that “thing” that could help me do these things?’ then the answer was just next door. Yes, Ateneo was the answer. With Ateneo, I could achieve the things I’ve always wanted, and in a fun way as well. You see I’ve always loved Ateneo. I’ve been living here at Katipunan for 10 years, and the it’s colours of blue and white rubbed on me. I’ve seen the college life there up close. And I wanted that. It was amazingly wonderful. I really really wanted to get into Ateneo and make something out of myself. I wanted to prove to no one else but myself, that I can do better, be anything my mind could ever achieve. And so I studied. I studied so hard I would get headaches. I studied from morning till night. And not only that, I took the test with confidence. I felt great whilst taking the ACET. After the ACET, I felt satisfied. DLSU however, I barely studied for that test. And yet I got in :|

Now here’s my stupid logic.

After a long time.. I wanted to pick myself up and make something of myself, and Ateneo was step one. I studied morning till night. I even wished on 11:11 every night! But I passed DLSU and I barely studied??? I mean, that’s fucking unfair isn’t it??? How the fuck did that happen?? I mean wanted to fix my fucked up life!! I fucking studied to death for the ACET!! It’s like they’re telling me not to try at all cause I’ll get nowhere no matter how hard I try :| DLSU, I believe was just a fluke…. I mean what fucked up retard would want to study Philosophy in DLSU??? If you wanted to study Philo you would rather go to U.P. or Ateneo right?? So there.. all the good things that happened to me were all just fucked up luck. If I try to make good things happen to me for good reasons (like purposely fixing my fucked up life)… four words: fucking crash and burn.

But this doesn’t mean I’m giving up. In fact this pissed me off so much I’m gonna get through this and win. And I do, I’ll take my foot and shove it down “life’s” throat, stare squarely at it’s eyes and utter them words ‘fuck you’ and smile.

PS: don’t piss me off about Ateneo, or not passing Ateneo, or you’ll find yourself shitting between your teeth and vomiting through your asshole.

What a day

So here’s how tonight was suppose to go.

1. leave fro Eastwood
2. Go to DC
3. Buy the shoes that I’ve been reserving for a week now
4. Be extremely happy
5. Take pictures (a lot of pictures)
6. Go to Coffee Bean
7. Complete the stamps by buying yummy delicious tea
8. get the notebook
9. repeat no.4
10. stay until 11-ish
11. head for home with happy feet
12. edit pictures and videos until tired

What really happened

1. leave fro Eastwood
2. Go to DC
3. Find out that mom hates the shoes
4. did not buy
5. went home

That’s fucking fucked up. She told me to go reserve the shoes that I want, so I can go buy them with her today. But no :| I mean I was really really excited for this, and she knew that as well. But fuck man :| what the fucking hell was that huh??? Now I’ve lost all interest in shoes. And no I’m not bluffing or kidding or being irrational about it because of anger or whatever. I’ve just lost interest in shoes because of this shit :| I loved shoes so much, now I don’t… thanks mother for ruining my perfectly planned night to make myself happy for a change. I’ve never planned anything out to make myself happy. And I don’t think I will again anytime soon. Cause learning from this experience, nothing good will come out of it.

As a result… I’ll be meditating again until Monday morning. I’m cutting all ties of communication. I’ve killed my phone already, and I won’t be online for social purposes, only for healing (like music and artwork)

goodnight

PS: if you’re thinking “dude, they’re only shoes” better think deeper than that. And when I say think, I mean THINK

I don’t……. anymore….

 

So here are some few helpful tips for the people who never learn :)

 

• I don’t smoke anymore
• I don’t do drugs anymore
• I don’t drink anymore
• I don’t screw people anymore
• I don’t do stupid stunts anymore
• I don’t break the law anymore
• I don’t party till dawn anymore
• I don’t pick up women just for fun or for sex anymore
• I don’t sell drugs anymore
• I don’t give anyone anything that could harm their life or their humanity anymore

 

I am no longer like you people. It’s been more than a year, a couple months more and it’ll be two. I have no right to judge you nor pity you, but please, leave me alone :| I’m living a better life even if it isn’t as exciting as the one I lived before, I love the way who I am now. I am pursuing my own happiness, because someone told me that I deserve happiness, even if I did horrible things, I deserve, need happiness. True happiness. I say the same to you, but it wouldn’t matter would it. All I am to you people is a bridge to your temporary happiness.

I am no longer a Moonchild. I am a Sunbaby. And I intend to stay that way.

Summer’s end (poem)

I wrote this at school :P

 

Through this stained hour glass of impending sorrow,

Bliss awaits the near triumphant end

Why o’ why must the laughter of children be heard after the cries of mourning men

Ears and eyes drown in the broken sonnet that seeps from their empty hearts

O’ how I lust for the day when the scent of a woman enchants me from this cold crooked ground and into the orange soothing sky

O’ how I lust for the day of Summer’s end.

It’s a love-hate thang

So yeah… I just saw this brilliant movie, and…. well it’s beyond brilliant. It’s one of the best western romantic-comedies I’ve ever seen.

Although it is fantastic and fresh (obviously, I mean hello??? A Sundance entry man!) I hate it :P For very very personal reasons. It really felt like I was Tom in that movie, so it really really hit me hard. I really love the movie, but at the same time I hate.

So like Tom was much more expressive than I was. He really didn’t care if other people see him as a wreck, unlike me I hide it so other people wouldn’t worry for a person like me :P

So yeah… I’m still in my days of summer. And following the movie, autumn will never come if summer is still here. Soooooooo…. Yeah, the movie is kinda like a manual for me isn’t it? :))

I’ll be looking forward to more of these brilliant movies :P Mainly the French ones :))

5 reasons why I hate women

1. Clothes – women have a TON of fantabulous clothes. Like these for example:

and what do men have? Shirts and jeans :| Only Miyavi can beat women in fashion :p

2. Makeup :P – I can’t seem to buy makeup without getting the “he’s-a-fag-stare” I mean what’s to wrong about a straight guy looking to buy makeup or window shopping women’s apparel? I mean women go to the guy’s section and no one gives a fuck about it, oh I know why, it’s because they’re women isn’t it???? BUNCH OF SEXIST BASTARDS!

Anyway… the reason why I find makeup amazing is because it can turn and ordinary woman into a princess. Plus, it’s really beautiful. Kinda hard to explain actually :)) I love it because it’s fun, it’s art, it makes me and the person (guy or girl) feel good and it’s FUN :D

3. Shoes/footwear – HOMEGEHD! I can’t even decide where to start @-) I find women’s footwear to be very elegant, very beautiful and very exquisite etc. etc. I mean come on, can you say “no” to this?

When I see an excellent pair of heels, I would know it is (excellent). Because an excellent pair of heels, to me, is like a very sexy woman. She’s got the curves, she’s got beauty, and she’s got style :p Although wearing heels is a pain Dx I think, for what’s it worth, it’s worth it. Oh But it’s just not “heels” that I’m in to, it’s the whole range of footwear, but I love “heels” the best :))

4. Bags (it’s always about fashion isn’t it?) Hmmmmmm… I like FINO (since that’s what my mom seems to like as well :)) ), Louis Vuitton, Chanel. Burberry, Prada, Gucci….. So far only that :)) I’m new to bags so do forgive me :P But I like those bags that have urban designs on them, but it’s not just those cheap “slap-on” designs you see in Greenhills or Divisoria. But although there are a lot of fantastic bags for men, I like the designs for women as well.

5. When women wear guy clothes, it’s ok, or even really really hot, jut like Horikita Maki :D

isn’t she fantabulously hot with a black MALE blazer. (I can tell it’s a guy’s blazer, I have good eyes). It’s unfair for guys, cause if guys wear girl clothes, they’d look terrible Dx. You’d have to look like a girl to wear girl clothes properly.

*last two pics are old pics, pulled them out of storage and I can’t remember where they came from :|

So yeah…. you could say I’m fashionably gay

Magical pixie dust? Or boots with anti-gravity?

This is a pretty old entry, one month I think?

pic from http://www.tattoodesignshop.com/images/angel-wings-tattoos2.jpg

I don’t know why I try… I thought I could stop myself… I just couldn’t. You just draw me closer and closer, and you don’t even know it :| although… I don’t want you know… It’s stupid I know… Why don’t I want you to know? It’s the same reason why don’t want to fall in love… I’m just not ready… It hurts (it’s kinda hard to explain) and I made a vow to myself. If can’t fix my life, the life which I messed up myself, then I can’t… It sounds stupid, but what I’ve done to all those people is even worse. I can’t find peace within myself, not until I sort all of this out. To be honest… I don’t even know how long that’ll take, it could take years even never…

The reason why I’m so scared is because, I just can’t stop falling for you :| everyday I think of a way to make you smile or laugh, and it makes me happy that you do. I’m really happy that I could make you smile or laugh or whatever, yet… There’s always a feeling of regret afterward… You could say that, the moments I spend with you are bittersweet.

I like you hell lot, I like you so much I already let you into my life without me knowing it :| and it fucking hurts, cause I can’t move forward from where I stand (…where I stand in the relationship between us)

But who knows… maybe it’s just infatuation…

I close my ears and listen

Listening to Kyo and his music and lyrics makes me wish I was a girl, then I can orgasm all I want =)))))

“Drawing the vague meeting that he had been watching

Why is he trembling?

From the feeling that rises up, the boy

Shoots arrows of sound in the changing sky

 

Why is the regret still running?

Somewhere far away the voice of a promise

It cannot be heard it anymore.

 

Still guessing shapes, it disappears

Even now, his heart is taken away and the scars from the chain burned on

The voice that I had hated Here, alone

 

Why is the regret still running?

Somewhere far away the voice of a promise

It cannot be heard it anymore.

 

This is my pledge to you

 

I still can’t live well.

What I can change is only–

 

Even if tomorrow forces me to live

My days will not change

I can’t say it anymore

 

If you are going to rip up

The voice and the dreams that I build up, then answer me

No one will be forgiven

But it can’t be said. It can’t be said. It can’t be said.”

 

-Kyo of Dir en grey.

 

FOREVER FORNEVER

 

This entry gave an idea @-)

This is my drug, don’t take it away

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself.
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out.
It wears him out, it wears . . .

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run.
And it wears me out, it wears me out.
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time.
Oh, oh.