What am I?

I’m not a normal person. Without thinking, I hurt people through my actions and when I do think, people ask me why I did it anyway. I don’t know how to be normal, and I don’t know what rules society has put up. I play the guessing game. “Is this the right thing to do?” I do it. “Why did/n’t you do that?” I try to understand why things clash with me so much. But when I do, it’s already too late. I don’t realise what I’ve done until the consequences bite back. I don’t mind the pain since pain is a great way to remember things. It’s the people that’ll be at the receiving end that worries me. I’m trying to be a better person or at the very least, a normal person. I just don’t know how. All I’ve got is learning through mistakes.

Spending Christmas with a Single Mom

Before my father decided to leave mom and I, we would fly to the province every Christmas vacation and have a little family reunion. Aside from us, two other siblings of my father’s and their family live outside the province. One lives at Australia and the other lives at Hong Kong. I found this yearly reunion fun and exciting. There would always be a huge feast on Christmas Eve coupled with games designed to make all the adults look like complete fools. On Christmas day, the feast would continue with another rousing round of games and the seasonal Secret Santa. Tradition.

My mother always hated this tradition. She was never welcomed openly by my father’s family, and my father felt obliged to bring her along. She always felt like an outsider. I was too young and naïve to notice it. Fortunately, the separation meant that we needed not meet the Clan (yes, my father’s family is a legitimate clan formally registered in the government) every festive season.

The past Christmas Eves with my mother always involved trips to different restaurants or hours in the kitchen. I never once missed the Clan’s celebratory mood and the money in envelopes that came with it. This Christmas Eve was different. Continue reading

An old repeating record player

It’s a quarter to 2 in the morning. I don’t plan on sleeping, and I’ll probably boil myself a cup of coffee. Now though,
I’ve sat myself on this couch with a bowl of plain oatmeal whilst the TV shows a Korean music show for old people and a documentary. All the while I know that in 6 hours I have midterms, followed by a gruelling 3 hours of International Law and German, and afterwards another 3 or so hours of thesis research.

This tasteless fibre treat coupled with the vibratos of these aging Korean artists brings me down to where I feel like I’m a depressed old man, regretting the things he’s done or not done and knowing that it just might be too late to make things right.

It’s so difficult to find self-happiness. I know where to begin, and I know that I have to have peace within me. This peace will have to come with a temporary distortion of someone else’s peace. I’m just so fucking afraid of what would happen to me and to her once I finally have the balls to fucking sort myself out.

I have to fix myself (I’ve probably said that a billion times), because this is harbouring so much pain that I have to act differently to friends that remind me of her. I have to have a life where I’m not constantly basing my actions and ideas through bittersweet memories. I want to have my own life.

I really thought I could live on my own, be dependent from the past mistakes. That will never happen. If peace is a still lake in the morning, then I have a small pond with a large rock thrown in the middle.

I find myself feeling jealous of people who find closure to these kinds of things. I guess I’ll return to my pity party of one.

The Mistake

I’ve always thought that I loved what I studied. International Relations (IR) seemed to be a degree that I was determined to finish with pride. I’ve been so wrong, and it took me two weeks of International Law (INTLLAW) *and a semi-covert day out in Ateneo* to find out what I really wanted. It’s true though, that I love to study. I love to read things that have existed for years, and yet never heard of until I’ve read them. I love that professors teach me things that explain why the world is the way it is. My mind is hungry, so hungry that I forgot that I’m made up of more than just a slab of gray matter. I’ve been so caught up in filling my mind that I’ve completely starved my soul. I realised it the hard way.

Studying INTLLAW changed how I did things. I study way in advance, TRY to finish all the materials needed for the day, then review what I’ve studied; I also have other Majors to deal with. I kept doing this routine, until one day, I just cracked. I broke down from the stress, a pressure that I thought I was totally used to. But the stress from my family meddled with my focus to study, and I couldn’t use academics to deviate my attention away from my family. I was completely bare to the emotional attack that I apparently set up for myself all these years without knowing. I had no armour; I was made of glass instead of the usual three-inch-thick-crocodile-skin. I questioned what I was doing, “Is this what I truly want? Getting an IR degree so that I could go back to where I grew up? Is IR what I would have picked at all?” And the answer is, no. Continue reading

I Couldn’t Finish My Book

Staring at a ceiling for minutes at a time, when was the last time you did that? Most of us do it as a reaction to exasperation, exhaustion, or stress. We blankly stare to a still, plain canvas that hovers above our head, to break away from our continuous thoughts that play in our minds–a normal human condition that extends our resistance for work. If that’s the case, it would seem that I’ve asked the wrong question. So let me rephrase it. When was the last time you freely decided to stare at a ceiling for minutes at a time?

I’m at Saint’s Alp Teahouse typing this on my iPod, taking brief moments to stare unto this black painted, egg carton covered ceiling. Before I was so desperately trying to find a muse to this writing, I was reading The Family Fang, a book that I decided to finish by the end of the day.

To my left is a group of Atenean freshmen that unexpectedly have a novel each. I am so taken aback by this that I keep staring at their hands. I’ve never seen such a group of people like this in Taft. I check around to make sure I wasn’t jumping my gun, and I see other people reading as well.

To my right is a beautiful Atenean girl studying Physics. I enjoy her company since I do enjoy beautiful women. Even though we’re not talking to each other, the one-foot of air between us is very comfortable. I could stay in this spot for hours–and I have. Continue reading

Vladimir Putin and the EU

This was a midterm speech I made for my course in European Foreign Policy. I was supposed to play the role of Vladimir Putin and his views towards the EU. I may have edited this version a bit.

My highly esteemed associates,

I want to thank you all for being here this morning. I admire your dedication to openly discuss matters of the EU, the states that are involved in it and the citizens that reside in them.

A few weeks ago, my colleagues and I, President Barroso and President Van Rompuy, have just finished the EU – Russian Summit. We have discussed many avenues into deepening the relations between Russia and the EU. The Partnership and Cooperation Agreement of 2008 with the EU has given us some improvement, and we would want to deepen economic integration and coöperation even more. Therefore, we are looking into the possibilities of enhancing and replacing this agreement. The Partnership for Modernisation is in implementation, and in due time we will see advancement in investment and trade, technical standards, and sustainable low-carbon economy promotion. The EU – Russia Energy Roadmap 2050, signed by the EU Energy Commissioner Günther Oettinger and Russian Minister for Energy Alexander Novak, is focused on ensuring energy security and fair energy distribution to both EU and Russia while maintaining a transparent and competitive market. Human Rights in Russia have always been aligned with the EU. The mobility of Russian and EU citizens, which I will go into detail later on, have been on negotiations for an upgraded visa. This might mean a complete upgrade of the Schengen Visa or something similar; why this does not happen now, I will discuss later on. Of course, the hot topic nowadays is the Syrian crisis and the steadfast willingness of the EU to participate, which I see as completely unnecessary.[1] Continue reading

Yet Another WordPress Site Deleted

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And yet another one bites the dust. I don’t remember how many sites I’ve setup and deleted since my stay in WordPress. As always, it was with a heavy heart that I had to kill one of my babies.

P.S. I’m working on a new entry and will probably have it out by next week. That is if I am able to put down this book that’s never left my clutch. I’ve been reading Shadow of Night fyi.

Rediscovering Self-Love: The Girl

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I got my grade from my professor, and I’m fairly happy with it! If only I submitted my final paper on time, I would’ve probably gotten a 3.5. Well, I can’t really bend my grades in my department nor would I want to. Anyway, this means that I can go ahead and write with a clear and relaxed mind! Unless I fail in German4, that would just be crap.

SO! Let me tell you about this girl that I insanely like and have lost attraction towards after one evening. She’s the type that people would ignore at first sight. Were you thinking of love at first sight? She’s pretty much invisible, until you let her speak or until she wants to speak. She’s extremely intelligent, probably the most intelligent out of our entire European Studies batch. I’ve known her for a year, but I’ve only gotten to talk to her this year.

I told my friend, let’s call her Tänzerin, about this newfound attraction of mine. Tänzerin knows my type of girls that I’m attracted to: very Asian looking, extremely pretty, extremely white–basically Japanese, Korean or Chinese girls who are overly attractive. This girl whom I am insanely attracted to, let’s call her Dil Pickles (Rugrats, for those who don’t know,) is the total opposite of my usual Asian-white-girl attraction. Continue reading

Ugh.

So. A couple of days ago, I promised to publish this entry about this relationship I have with this girl (whom I insanely like by the way), rediscovery of self-love, and Buddhism. BUT I CAN’T! Why? I’m waiting for my professor in International Organisations to give the grades out. He said that he would release it yesterday, then postponed it this morning, then moved it to tonight. Still, nothing. So until I know how badly I’ve done, I won’t be able write with a relaxed mind.