A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)

I had some trouble deciding which event I wanted to share, and it came down to two. It was either the time my father left or the time when we were thrown out of our house. But I figured that it would be better to talk about my father and his departure from this family.

So please bear with me because I haven’t talked about this to an open crowd, in fact I think only three of my friends know the full details, at any rate…

The year was 2009 on the month of April. I was home alone watching TV when I heard the door open downstairs. I thought to myself “Is that mom or dad? They’re rather early”. I went back to watching TV, not minding what was going on downstairs. After a few minutes I heard heavy footsteps rise from the stairwell, “oh, it’s dad” I thought. I kept watching TV.

He went up to me and gave me a kiss on the head; I wiped my forehead and ignored him. “I’m gonna take a shower first and I need to talk to you, okay?” he said. At that point I knew something was up, “okay”.

30 minutes afterwards, he left the shower and called me.

“I need to tell you something. I’m leaving. I don’t love your mother anymore… I’m just so tired of her.” He sat on the bed, put on his pants and ran his hand across his head out of grief. I stood there across the room, unmoved, my arms crossed, my breath is steady but my mind, aware. My eyes twitched when he told me he was leaving and my teeth clenched when he said he didn’t love my mother.

“So what’s going to happen now?”
“You two will be living alone; I’ll still give you money for the essentials and I’m giving you your inheritance when you turn 21.” I knew my father was a smart and brilliant man. From what he said to me, he must’ve planned everything out. I didn’t know if I should’ve been grateful or disgusted, because up until the end, he had control over our lives.

“What about money?”
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
“WHAT ABOUT MONEY?”
“…” “I got my retirement money from (company’s name) and I’m going to split it three equal ways”
“Okay”
“Aren’t you going to do anything?”
“What can I do? Looks like you already made up your mind.”
“…” “Come with me. Come live with me, I’ll take care of you”

When my father told me to go with him, I had the sudden urge to punch his face. But I didn’t; I was better than that so I kept my cool.

“I’m not going with you”
“Why not?”
“Mom needs me more than you do. You can take care of yourself”
“…” “All right, I’ll pack my things.”

I left the room with my heart beating fast and my hand clenched into a fist. I sat down and watched more TV… but I felt like a zombie. Nothing was going on in my mind. I just sat there blankly staring at the screen.

I heard a loud thud in the room. It was the suitcase being dropped on the wooden floor. He came out and I was surprised to see that he only had one small travel suitcase and a shoulder bag.

“Can you send me my CDs later? Your mom might break all of them, it’s a priceless collection.”

I had to agree with him on that one. Although he is a douche-bag, he has excellent taste in music. But I felt a huge disappointment within me.

“Is that all you’re going to take? What about the rest of your clothes?”
“It’s yours.”
“…”
“Don’t tell your mom about this, I’ll call her later.”

We walked downstairs, he put on his shoes and opened the door. The last thing I remember telling him was “I’ll bring you to the gate” “No, I’m fine” he replied “Go back in now and close the door”.

That was probably the last time I listened to his command without feeling the need to rebel. I closed the door and turned the lock. I stayed there… I heard him walk out… the sound of the wheels rolling against the ground began to fade… then, the lock of the gate clicked. He left.

I don’t remember how long I stood there, but I remember… once I came to my senses my eyes were starting to swell up. I called up the closest friend I had and I told him about what happened.

I gripped the phone so hard I could hear it cracking. Tears were falling down my face… I never cried so hard my entire life. I screamed and shouted and cursed over the phone. My friend said nothing… I felt like my heart was being ripped out with my own hands, like my brain was being tightly grasped. I felt like vomiting… I was trying to rip my hair off in hopes of masking the emotional torment I was going through. But to no avail…

My friend over the phone told me to stop crying because he was about to cry as well, so I stopped. For some reason, I stopped. I talked it over more and then I heard my mother coming in. I hung up and went to the shower. I had to get rid of the red in my eyes, I had to compose myself. I knew my mother was going to take it harder than I. I had to be strong for her, because now… now it was just going to be the two of us. Just the two of us.

I watched more TV after I got out of the shower.

“Did Dad call you?” she asked
“No”
“Do you want to eat now?”
“Later, I’m not hungry yet”

I watched TV again. A couple of minutes later I hear my mother shouting, “he must’ve called her” I thought. Then I hear her crying. This went on a couple more minutes…

My mom finally called me downstairs. I came to her; she was still in tears. “Can you give me a hug” she said, her voiced cracked.

“It’s just the two of us now”
“I know mom”
“We have to help each other okay?”
“Okay”
“I love you”
“I love you too, mom”

Later that night, she asked if I wanted to go to class (I was taking musical theatre at the time) I said I needed to go, they play would fall apart if I didn’t. From that night on, I slept together with my mother. I felt like I should try to push away all the memories of my father away from her, and somehow I thought this was one way of doing it.

Our lives have been a roller coaster since then. But it got worse when we were forced to move out of the house I lived in for 12 years. Other than that, everything else has been rather crappy or kinda great.

The only things that keep me going are my close friends, school, music and other things. Without them, I probably would be dead.

The departure of my father will never be forgotten and I will pass this story down to my kids so they now how we were treated and how I came to be this way.

(forgive my errors..)

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